September 22 –

10 o’clock at night and I smell popcorn. And fuck do I want some. But I have had a full day of eating and, even more relevant, I’m 19.3. No more eating for me today. You can’t stop me from salivating.

My first full day in Italy and it has been a pleasant blur. An uninspiring breakfast to be sure. One that cemented the ongoing presence of my ED. There was a lot of negotiation betwee “I should eat something” and “why waste the calories on merely adequate food?” All of it with a constant overlay of… “I shouldn’t eat this anyway – so many carbs!”. I ended up pulling myself together and had some eggs along with a piece of bread and cheese.

was wolfed down (what?! I never do that. Except I did!) because I thought I couldn’t get into my apartment. Yes, in a comedic note, it turns out that if you put your key in the wrong door, it’s true, that door will not open. Sigh.

An afternoon of slow wandering and a perverse pleasure in realizing my health numbers showed much more distance covered over the course of the day than expected. It’s so hard to reconcile what I know I should think and do with what I actually think and do. Maybe I’m hoping that writing here in this space again might help.

Even if I’m the only one who ever reads it. Let’s be honest, it is rather comforting to think that there is likely never to be a second reader. This stuff is personal!

I did feel some panic in wondering if FiorFood would be accessible (there were food festival events there tonight). I got in quickly, however, and truly enjoyed my caponata. Three times in Turin and I’ve eaten there every time. Though I still felt the call to save room for a late-evening snack which I have just finished. I really do want to outgrow this particular habit.