Month: October 2018

This was my dinner last night:

Beautiful, right?  And I’m still struggling with whether or not it is/was enough.  These days I am drawn to grilled veggies and salads when I go out.  Okay, that doesn’t sound SO bad.  But then I end up snacking when I get home on flatbread crackers and cheese.

I struggle so much to let a meal out, or with others, be the end of my eating.  I always am looking to leave a little bit of room so that I can eat more when I am alone at home.

Why? I vacillate on the reaons but I think it is association with comfort and relaxation.  Maybe. But even that doesn’t quite ring true.  It certainly is a good thing to explore if I am to change this pattern.  This pattern that makes it a heck of a lot easier to be alone.

Now that I write that, I wonder if part of that drive right now is this weird state I’m in of spending quite a bit of time with others (who I don’t know that well) contrasted with a loneliness BECAUSE I don’t know people well here.  I gravitate toward tending to my feelings by restricting when out then eating alone later.

I also need to admit that a part of it is that there are things I want to eat and I am denying myself b/c I remain scared of gaining weight.  Of losing my attractiveness and appeal.  Things that I know will pass anyway yet I cling to now.  

So fickle and shallow are my ways and yet so deep are the emotions and thoughts beneath.

My nemesis – pizza.

Sometimes I’m not sure exactly the purpose of writing this blog. Yet really I do. It is keeping me accountable for my food issues at a time when it can be very easy to pretend things are fine just because I’m eating food I wouldn’t at home.

Which brings me back to that nemesis of pizza.

Last night I went out with an old friend. I’ve been wanting to try pizza again and this seemed a great opportunity. By “try”, I am referring to both conquering the fear of the calories and just as significant, conquering the BS challenge.

For the first challenge, I did… okay. My mind was on the calories and I did leave pieces at the end. Yet I ate and enjoyed so those are success points.

The second? Better than in the past, yet still not good. It’s the combination of cheese and carbs. The rise is slow and steady and insidious (kind of like developing an ED… hmm). I used a mix of regular and square bolus and ended up hovering at 15 for most of the night (of course with then some added correction boluses). Being away, it’s hard, b/c I really don’t want to have a stubborn low while here. That gets too scary.

It may be that pizza is something that I just have to forego. It’s hard to say that with a clear conscience of it being a diabetes health choice and not an ED choice.

Sometimes it is murky. 

Tonight’s challenge? Pasta.