Italy, Diabetes, ED… and Me

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September 21 – Oops – this was supposed to be my first triumphant entry in what I am dubbing – Italy, Diabetes and ED. Maybe – the title is a work in progress. (edit – you can see I changed it but not much).

Anyhow, that’s on hold for a moment as the plane is rather bumpy at the moment and though I try to remain wise and okay with it, yep, I’m not. I did so well with the wind as we headed out of Amsterdam that I think I was overly proud and optimistic about his last little leg. Instead, here I am kind of freaking out again.

Clouds, Sky, Dramatic, Air, Atmosphere

I really did have this moment of peace on the way up and almost an indulgent fondness for my anxiety. I wish that was back now.

Oh well. Let’s try anyway. Here I am! In the air on my way back to Italy – the place where my heart finds peace even when the world is chaos. This time, since I don’t really have much of a plan, my plan is to capture (if only for myself) the challenges of diabetes and and ED while doing one’s best to embrace life and recovery.

But first this plane needs to land safely.

Night Flight, Plane, Airport

Broken Open

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Broken Open Heart.jpg

Daniel Nevins

My body, my mind, my heart.  All feel this sense of weight and destruction.

I want this to be the place from which I rise, at last triumphant, and find my way out of the blackness inside.

I want that.  I don’t feel much confidence that it will happen.

It seems that I have been on the verge of change so many times, only to fall backward into my despair.  I am envious of those who speak of a revolution of self that occurs when they finally just start doing the things that speak to their soul.  Those things lead to new doors and new opportunities and suddenly they are on a life path where there is joy in the work and peace in the heart.

Last time I occupied this space I thought I was coming to that in counselling.  Yet, here I am, feeling that I remain unable to adequately cope with the demands of simply living.

I have so many dreams.  I believe, perhaps naively, that if I knew what work I need to do to make those dreams manifest, then I would do the work.  I just keep getting so lost and I lose the place to start and then I do nothing.  Perhaps I’m more like my ex than I care to admit.

Glennon Doyle (LOVE her) wrote in her book, Love Warrior (LOVE the book), about getting up early in the morning, while others slept and doing her writing then.  I have so much more space in my life and yet I still struggle to make progress on what I claim matters to me.

I just keep spinning and spinning.

Sometimes it’s hard to catch my breath.

Maybe, though, just maybe, this is a start.  I’m opening up this space again and maybe that will help me to open space in my heart to let me in and let me out.  I need both.  I need breadth and focus all at once.  I need to not make this an attempt to create something for some end goal.  To let it be exactly what it is and nothing more.

My space and my life.

I think maybe I need to start with just breathing and worry about catching my breath a little later.

Three Years Later…

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I’m back.

I spent much of the past few days re-reading old entries and having immersed myself so thoroughly in that “world that was”, I almost feel like I am speaking to myself and to my old readers from the future.  Though here I am, right in the present as always.

When I returned here, mere days ago, it was with a vision of re-purposing this space as I am, again, in a period of transition in my life.  Now that I am slightly reacquainted with the onebreath of this other dimension, I recognize her strength and resilience in a way I could not when I was living it for the first time.

I hope to draw upon that strength again.

General updates:

  1. Relationship Status:  After living together, trying very hard and believing we just might get out happy ending after all, I had a recent breakup.  With the same man from old entries!!! I *think* I have finally learned that lesson.  It only took 9 years.  Though also read here: jewelinthehand.com
  2. Eating Disorder Status:  In recovery.  Still.  It’s a hell of a road, this one.
  3. Health Status: In flux.  I recently have had some difficult times related to diabetes complications but I learned (today!) that things are looking better.  I’ve been doing a happy dance in my head all day.
  4. Self Status: Still searching for meaning and purpose that fill me up without tripping up all my insecurities and self doubt.

So I guess that’s where I am.

I’m still not sure where I’m going.

But I am here.  Now.  Living my life.

From the very talented Francois at Sketches in Stillness