Well, if I am going to write here then I shall strive to do so with honesty, not just the highlights.<\/p>\n
This little story started out as a highlight… I went to a caffe for my cappucino and cornetto alla crema.\u00a0 It’s a place I went on my first trip to Turin.\u00a0 The barman was extremely friendly and helpful and I remember how energized I felt last time.\u00a0 Anyhow the barista today put a tiny spoon with cream on my plate along with the coffee and I wasn’t sure what to do and decided to be brave and ask someone else at the bar.\u00a0 The woman I asked nodded that yes, I was to stir it into the coffee.\u00a0 The man next to me was watching and added that it’s like sugar, and also better with plain coffee.\u00a0 I think he was a little amused by me.<\/p>\n
In this caffe, you pay after and he was behind me in line and pointed out the sweets in the case and mentioned they are specialties of Turin.\u00a0 So I asked some questions and bought a couple of kinds.\u00a0 The one he named was “bacio di dama” – “lady’s kiss”.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
By the way this was all in Italian so I was feeling, again, energized and proud.<\/p>\n
Then the ‘not-so-proud but I’m here to be honest’ bit.\u00a0 I walked in the park was was running a bit low so decided to try the sweets.\u00a0 Almost without even thinking I bit into each of them in turn, chewed and spit them out.\u00a0 The habits of my ED are so ingrained that it really took me a few moments to recognize how eating disordered that was.\u00a0 I wish I could say I only feel shame and disappointment but I admit there’s still that small part of me that is cheering the whole thing on and celebrating the avoidance of extra calories.<\/p>\n
However, the positive is that I don’t want that part anymore.\u00a0 Even as I feel this slight joy, I recognize how unhealthy it is and how much I don’t want that life.\u00a0 I want to eat the bacio di dama not just taste it.<\/p>\n
I’d love to say “that’s it.\u00a0 I will never do that again” but I recognize that’s too cocky.\u00a0 However, I will say that I plan to be more aware and strive to only put in my mouth what I feel capable of eating.\u00a0 That is a goal I can work with right now.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"